How to offend people

See, there's this thing called biology...

Step 1. Get out of bed. You can also offend some people by staying in bed and refusing to interact with the rest of the human race, but this is far more difficult and best left to the professionals.

Step 2. Exist. Your existence is important to those who are waiting for someone to offend them. Some people can take offense over imaginary people, but it’s far easier for them if you actually exist.

Step 3. Open your mouth. You need not even say anything, just the act of opening your mouth should do the trick. This either indicates you are surprised, about to speak, or breathing. Sometimes just the evidence that you breathe can offend people.

Step 4. Smile. People who smile are scary. Women who smile without saying a word are downright terrifying. It will make people wonder what you are up to. They will think you are…

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